Canker is a disease of plants...
...cancer one of animals.
That's from a movie or record...I don't remember which. (Record = CD kiddies.)
The canker police are running amok in Orlando. Most of the residential houses here have some sort of citrus tree in their yard. Oranges are the most common, but many folks also have white, pink and red grapefruits. Kumquats and mixtures like tangelos are also easy to find. There's a small lemon tree in my own backyard, which is why I'm telling this story.
Canker is a citrus killer. I don't know the specifics, but a sick tree starts to lose leaves and eventually the fruit yield is severely reduced. Citrus is big business in Florida and the citrus farmers take canker seriously. Any infected tree is destroyed and any tree within 1900 feet of an infected tree is removed as a precaution. There is always a huge fight when this happens in residential areas. Many people are fond of the trees in their yard. My whole block is former orange grove...there are people getting ready to retire here that still have the trees that they use to pick fruit off of as kids.
So when canker was discovered at a house down the street, all hell broke loose. It's sad, but I have to admit that it's entertaining as well. Perfectly rational people start talking conspiracy...Department of Agriculture stooges carrying out clandestine operations designed to force locals to pay exorbitant fees for store-bought orange juice...dark citrus cartels trying to recover from Atkins-diet induced financial shortfalls by slaying the local residential supply. Huge signs spring up in people's yards, some simply to identify innocent, non-citrus trees, but most decrying the unfairness of it all. "DEA & BIG CITRUS - DON'T TOUCH MY TREES!!!"
I don't have a dog in the fight. I understand the need to protect a staple industry. I understand the wrath of private owners. I'm just laughing over the hard time the canker police seem to be having with me.
I mentioned I have a lemon tree in the back yard. The problem the DEA is having is it's not my tree. I rent. The tree belongs to the owner. I explained this to the nice DEA man who came to visit me. I took the releases he handed over. I promised him I'd inform the rental management company that the tree was to be removed. I dropped off the paperwork the same day I got it. The owner has already called Jodi and I to plan the planting of some non-citrus trees when the deed is done.
The problem is, the DEA doesn't seem to realize were OK with this. Someone, somewhere is not keeping track of the paperwork. I've had 3 more visits since the first one, all pretty much the same. A DEA rep shows up and tries to explain they have to take the tree; I cut them off and say, "Take it. It's out back."
They can't deal with that. You can see in their eyes that they are braced for all kinds of a fit. Someone telling them to take the tree throws them off. They fumble with their clipboard a bit and say they'll be back later. It's gotten to be like a bad mob film where every so often some mug comes around and threatens to break your knees if you don't pay up. They aren't TAKING the tree...they're just visiting every now and then to THREATEN to take the tree. The last guy to come caught me in the yard mowing and I decided I'd saw the damn tree down myself and give it to him. He took off in his truck before I could get back from the shed. Again, he couldn't take the thought of someone actually cutting down his own tree. That, or he's had too many people with yard tools come after him.
I have a new plan now. I have a length of chain that I used to hold my hammock up with before the hurricane knocked all our big trees down. When they finally do come for the lemon tree, I'm going to chain myself to it. I'll cry and scream and chant things like EARTH FIRST!
That should calm them down enough to be able to finally do their jobs and take it.
That's from a movie or record...I don't remember which. (Record = CD kiddies.)
The canker police are running amok in Orlando. Most of the residential houses here have some sort of citrus tree in their yard. Oranges are the most common, but many folks also have white, pink and red grapefruits. Kumquats and mixtures like tangelos are also easy to find. There's a small lemon tree in my own backyard, which is why I'm telling this story.
Canker is a citrus killer. I don't know the specifics, but a sick tree starts to lose leaves and eventually the fruit yield is severely reduced. Citrus is big business in Florida and the citrus farmers take canker seriously. Any infected tree is destroyed and any tree within 1900 feet of an infected tree is removed as a precaution. There is always a huge fight when this happens in residential areas. Many people are fond of the trees in their yard. My whole block is former orange grove...there are people getting ready to retire here that still have the trees that they use to pick fruit off of as kids.
So when canker was discovered at a house down the street, all hell broke loose. It's sad, but I have to admit that it's entertaining as well. Perfectly rational people start talking conspiracy...Department of Agriculture stooges carrying out clandestine operations designed to force locals to pay exorbitant fees for store-bought orange juice...dark citrus cartels trying to recover from Atkins-diet induced financial shortfalls by slaying the local residential supply. Huge signs spring up in people's yards, some simply to identify innocent, non-citrus trees, but most decrying the unfairness of it all. "DEA & BIG CITRUS - DON'T TOUCH MY TREES!!!"
I don't have a dog in the fight. I understand the need to protect a staple industry. I understand the wrath of private owners. I'm just laughing over the hard time the canker police seem to be having with me.
I mentioned I have a lemon tree in the back yard. The problem the DEA is having is it's not my tree. I rent. The tree belongs to the owner. I explained this to the nice DEA man who came to visit me. I took the releases he handed over. I promised him I'd inform the rental management company that the tree was to be removed. I dropped off the paperwork the same day I got it. The owner has already called Jodi and I to plan the planting of some non-citrus trees when the deed is done.
The problem is, the DEA doesn't seem to realize were OK with this. Someone, somewhere is not keeping track of the paperwork. I've had 3 more visits since the first one, all pretty much the same. A DEA rep shows up and tries to explain they have to take the tree; I cut them off and say, "Take it. It's out back."
They can't deal with that. You can see in their eyes that they are braced for all kinds of a fit. Someone telling them to take the tree throws them off. They fumble with their clipboard a bit and say they'll be back later. It's gotten to be like a bad mob film where every so often some mug comes around and threatens to break your knees if you don't pay up. They aren't TAKING the tree...they're just visiting every now and then to THREATEN to take the tree. The last guy to come caught me in the yard mowing and I decided I'd saw the damn tree down myself and give it to him. He took off in his truck before I could get back from the shed. Again, he couldn't take the thought of someone actually cutting down his own tree. That, or he's had too many people with yard tools come after him.
I have a new plan now. I have a length of chain that I used to hold my hammock up with before the hurricane knocked all our big trees down. When they finally do come for the lemon tree, I'm going to chain myself to it. I'll cry and scream and chant things like EARTH FIRST!
That should calm them down enough to be able to finally do their jobs and take it.
posted by Bobbie Mac at 5:08 AM
6 Comments:
Chibithulhu will seek out this Snuggles of which you speak and choke him on his own adorable fluffiness. There is room for but one manifestation of cute and cuddly within death's dream, and Chibithulhu assures you that Snuggles is not that one.
Chibithulhu suggests you flay them with the chain. Bureaucrats are but agents of lesser evils, little gods of men that are unhappy and bitter about their jobs.
I am humbled by the visit of mighty chibithulu to my unworthy blog!
: )
You shouldn't confuse the little men, it's not polite.
I'm surprised your neighbors could have lived in FL for so long and not developed a thicker skin regarding property loss.
Let's face it, no matter what you've heard about citrus and tourism being the biggest industries in America's Playground, it's really all the rebuilding and replanting that keep the economy booming.
Oh yeah. That's like air. I don't even notice it anymore.
Good insight, tho!
: )
I currently live in California where it seems no one has heard of canker. Reading your story I am reminded it actually exists. I remember as a kid in Florida, whispers around the neighborhood when Mr. So and Sos tree had canker. Everyone would leer at his house like he'd personally done something filthy.
Your story is very funny.
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